A few years back buildering.net staged a cage match between a squirrel from the city and a squirrel from the mountains. The rules were: no rules. Fight to the death. Real real-shit.
*Spoiler Alert* Both characters died, leaving the question of the superior contender unanswered.

I contacted Arthur Vanderhorst, head of the UBC Department of Zoology, to ask his opinion on who should have reigned victorious.

To: xxxxxxx@zoology.ubc.ca
Sent: Wednesday, October 29, 2003 1:56 PM

Subject: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels

> Hello,
> I was wondering if I could ask you a quick question? It may sound a little ridiculous, but here goes…
> If a squirrel from the city, say one of those large black ones you see
> everywhere on campus, was to fight a squirrel from the mountains, the little
> ones which run around the rocks in Squamish, who would win?
> I’m looking for some scientific reasoning here. Chances
> are squirrels aren’t your specialty, but could you perhaps forward this
> email to the appropriate person?
> Your help is greatly appreciated.
> -ardarvin

To: ardarvin@gmail.com
Sent: Thursday, October 30, 2003 10:15 AM
Subject: RE: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels

Squirrels, especially the males are territorial, so size doesn’t really matter much. A dominate male will fend and fight off any outside intruders (squirrels) no matter what their size is. When the female gives birth to young, they too become very protective, much like the behaviour of a bear sow, the moms even chase the males away. They instinctively know not to mess with their turf. So why would you want to know this?

Arthur R. Vanderhorst

It appears even the experts have trouble answering this difficult question, so I tried again:
To: xxxxxxxx@zoology.ubc.ca
Sent: Thursday, October 30, 2003 11:50 AM
Subject: RE: City Squirrels vs. Mountain Squirrels

I run buildering.net, a website about climbing buildings. For some reason squirrels have always been an sub-theme on the site. Perhaps it’s because they are such fantastic climbers. One day I got to thinking, “who would win in a fight…an urban squirrel or a mountain squirrel?” It’s an interesting question as it draws close parallels to the relative strength of urban-climbers vs. rock-climbers.

So I’m staging a make-believe fight, using Photoshopped images, which happens in two days. At this moment in time I’m not sure who should win, hence the reason I contacted you. I’m looking for some expert advice.

So ignoring territorial arguments, let’s say we were to throw the two squirrels in a cage together and they were both quite upset with each other. On a strictly physiological basis who do you think would be the winner?

Be assured that the whole scenario is quite fictional, I’d never actually throw two angry squirrels in a cage together. Again, thank you for help.


[Three years later I received the follow reply:]

To: ardarvin@gmail.com
Sent: January 12, 2007 11:20 AM
Subject: Sorry (Squirrel Fight)

Hello Ardarvin,

I must apologize for my late response but these things take time to properly understand and make analysis (based on a scientific basis). After much reasoning and discussing with my fellow colleagues (zoologists and animal physiologists) I have come to the (small t) conclusion that the mountain squirrel would win hands down. Urban squirrels eat leftover human food from dumpsters (McDonalds, Wendy’s and Timmy Ho’s) thus they are overweight and have higher fat count. On top of that urban squirrels do not have to range as far to find food. Mountain squirrels must be on alert for fox, wolves, bearcats and many other predators including large birds of prey.

As we would say in Langley, that mountain squirrel would open up a can of whoop ass on that fat urbanite.

Professionally speaking of course!


Arthur R Vanderhorst
Dept. of Zoology Animal Care
6199 South Campus Road
UBC Vancouver, B.C.
Canada, V6T 1W5

There you have it folks. Mountain Squirrel wins. My thanks goes out to Mr. Vanderhorst for careful and thoroughly researched response. At the same time, fuck you Mr. Vanderhorst. Who you calling fat? Clearly your answer is a dis of the urban lifestyle we so proudly identify ourselves with here at buildering.net. You can bet we’ll be hiring our own expert to refute your evidence and come to a conclusion more favourable to our position.