Ard ArvinMonsieur Keddie, wherefore art thou? It’s been four months since your last installment. That’s 116 days of disappointment.
This issue of Keddie’s Picks brought to you by Kenny Frazz.
Things Kenny Is Into
1. Spanish
The official language of Cubans worldwide. Go to Cuba before Castro dies, otherwise by the time you go it could just be part of Florida. Or else maybe it will become a sort of new Australia, colonized by prisoners released from Guantanamo Bay who are too weak from torture to swim the 90 miles to Florida. Just kidding, they’ll never get out.
2. Prescription sunglasses
After i get my prescription sunnies i can be cool all the time AND avoid walking into shit i can’t see.
3. Blossoms in Vancouver
How bout that huh?
4. Vancouver
Yes. Heck, Saskatoon too while we’re at it. And Enderby, why not.
5. The “Pumpernickel and Rye” song
***BONUS***
6. Cinnamon buns from Solly’s Bagels
Oh man. These are i think the best buns in the city, but let me know if you know of a better bun. Just the right sweet to bread to sticky ratio with a distinct lack of raisins. Yep, pretty good stuff i must say. The other food is pretty good too. Like i was there the other day and somebody got the cheese blintzes with like some berries and stuff on top and like it was so good and then like they said that it was like the best thing that Jewish people ever did for the world and then i was thinking “well, like, yeah, except maybe invent the A-bomb” and then they said “except maybe the A-bomb” and i was like, you know, wow.
Things Kenny Is NOT Into
1. Contact lenses
They make my eyes really dry and itchy after about 15 hours.
2. Keddie
I mean, who does he think he is anyhow? He gets his own damn column, then what? Nothing, thats what. Hmph. Keddie Schmeddie. C’mon man, get it together.
3. Lululemon
Lululemon. Mmmm. I hear everybody slamming this stuff but I really think somebody is onto something good here. Yesterday I practically almost saw some nipples (not just throught the clothes either, like I mean real skin) and the girl in the lululemon wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that she was wearing sexthoughtprovoking clothing. Or was she? Is it really evil? cmon. I guess this should really be in the INTO column but i cant think of that many “not into”s. How does Keddie do it? No wonder he’s so stressed out about this column thing, missing deadlines, drinking dry-cleaning fluid and all that. Imagine the pressure that Arvin guy must put on his poor fragile soul-shell. Poor Keddie, oh i feel for you. Hmph. At least he doesn’t talk about Lululemon. I guess its like they say: ‘even bad advertising is good advertising” or something like that. Maybe we should throw in a link to the LULULEMON website right there while we’re at it. Yay.
4. Calgary
5. Shoe/boot reapairspersons who do not listen on the phone and then you go there with some footwear and they have been smoking alot of weed and they pretend they are right and that they never said they could do what they said they could do on the phone just before you walked like 20 blocks to take the footwear to their shitty little shop full of foot dirt and stuff. Ugh. It was worse in Calgary though, they were rude there.
***BONUS***
6. People who disrespect Kenny for spelling their name wrong
Especially if he puts a “Y” where some might think an “IE” should go.
***BONUS, BONUS***
7. Ok more of a fear i guess. Laser eye sugery. Scary stuff. They say not to point laser pointers at people’s eyes, then here they are pointing lasers in your eyes. Hypocrites.
There you have it, take it or leave it, the first of many KeNNy’s picks (formerly Keddies’s picks). Taaa daaaa! For your very own “KENNY FRAZZ FOR PREMIER” Sticker send your credit card number and expiry date or an envelope stuffed with money to:
Kenny Frazz c/o ArdArvin c/o Buildering Club c/o
Executive Coordinator
Office of the Vice-President Students
Old Administration Building
6328 Memorial Road
Vancouver, BC V6T 1Z2
PS: Ard, maybe a nice picture of me in a pastoral setting petting animals or something would be really nice with this article.