Things Keddie Is Into

1. Firecracker, roman candle, bottle rocket wars.
I didn’t know this until recently, but playing with firecrackers on Hallowe’en is a BC thing. Being BC born and raised, I didn’t know any different. Hallowe’en was the night you blew things up. And let me tell you, there is nothing, nothing, like the satisfaction of launching a roman candle ball at your enemy, watching him retreating to the woods, and having that spinning ball of coloured fire curve around a tree and hit him right in the back. Sweet. My favorites are firecracker wars, though… because of the skill involved. The objective, of course, is to get the firecracker to blow up as close to the face of your enemy as possible.

2. Mini RC car capture the flag.
You know those mini RC cars that they sell at the Chinese night market, or everywhere now? You might’ve thought: hey, they look like fun. Actually, they’re more than fun… they’re a lifestyle. You should see my pimpin’ ride. After picking up chicks with my slammed mini RC car got a little boring, it was time to take it to the next level. Mini RC car capture the flag was invented in the lab that I work in. It’s best played with two teams of two people and loud music. Watch future Keddie Picks for rules.

3. Girl punk/rockish music.
A lot of people ask me, what’s the best music to listen to while playing mini RC car capture the flag? The answer is girl punk/rockish music. I’m talking about Le Tigre, Metric, The Sounds, ESG. I can’t get enough of this stuff.

4. Ritter Sport.
I don’t know what’s so ‘sport’ about a chocolate bar, except that it’s traditional for me to eat a Ritter Sport on the summit of a mountain. Summitting a mountain is exercise and ‘sport’ is usually exercise too. That’s the best connection I can make; Germans are weird. But weird as they are, they make a killer chocolate bar. My favorite is the knusper flakes–that’s corn flakes. Here’s what has to say about this bar… “Prall gefüllt mit vielen crossen Cornflakes in herrlicher, sahniger Vollmilchschokolade – da kann man das Frühstück schon einmal vergessen.” Woah… that’s deep.

5. Babel Fish.
If you’ve read the Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy, or maybe you just saw the made for BBC special like me (I will read it eventually, honest), you will be quite familiar with the Babel Fish. It’s a little fish that you place in your ear, and it translates any language into a telepathic signal that your brain understands as your native tongue. Now you can have your very own babel fish… it’s on the interweb. Here’s how translated the bit of German in Keddie’s pick #4: “Stout filled with many crossen Cornflakes in more wonderful, the seeing Niger full milk chocolate – there one can forget the breakfast already once.” Not bad little Babel buddy.

Things Keddie Is NOT Into

1. Yoga suits for men.
I was in the car with my friend Amy and we were stopped at a light in yaletown (this is where the yuppies of Vancouver live) and this guy crosses the street in front of us wearing a full yoga suit. I said to Amy, “If I ever wear a suit like that shoot me, unless I’m wearing it to make fun of guys who wear them.” Amy has a gun too, I’ve seen it, it’s disabled and hanging over a fireplace, but I’m sure she would reactivate it if I started wearing those suits.

2. False Caramilk Secret solutions.
I know the Caramilk Secret. It’s quite a clever solution for getting caramel inside a chocolate and for that Cadbury deserves a cheers. Cheers. Usually people believe me after I explain the secret because it is the most simple solution, but recently, someone didn’t. So I said, why don’t we look on the interweb, I’m sure it’s there. Well it ain’t! There’s just a bunch of lies, like, the standard sandwich method, some stupid enzyme in the caramel thing, and frozen caramel ‘lozenges’. So premiering here, on Keddie’s picks is the Caramilk Secret!!!!

3. Bad Acronyms.
A good acronym is like a good insult. It’s short, smart, and it makes you laugh. Unfortunately, there are a tonne of people who don’t know these general guidelines for making an acronym. Take the BC Restaurant & Foodservices Association… bcrfa. You might’ve seen their sticker on the window of a favorite restaurant. When I’m eating my meal, and I see this sticker out of the corner of eye, I see ‘barfa’. This acronym fails on the ‘smart’ guideline.

4. Kenny Frazz.
Kenny Frazz wrote this to Ardarvin who forwarded it to me:
duuude, Tell keddy to get his ass in gear or else kenny frazz is gonna scoop the deal and come up w KENNY’s PICKS!!!! That is a burly threat, yes. see ya.

First of all ‘Kenny’, if that is your real name, my name is spelled Keddie not Keddy. Secondly, you don’t want this job. But I do understand that Kenny Frazz did confirm the hardness of Ardarvin’s ass after last month’s Keddie’s Picks. So, uhm…. thanks, I guess.

5. And finally, something I’m really, really, not into… puddles.