AP – A local Vancouver man died late last night after an altercation with police. Officers tasered, pepper sprayed, shot, and urinated on Ard Arvin, 32, at a Granville Street location Subway restaurant. The names of the officers are being withheld pending an internal review.
Witnesses say Arvin became irate while ordering a sandwich. Sandwich artist Douglas Williams states, “He wanted more olives, but I already gave him the maximum allowed.” When Williams refused Arvin’s request, Arvin called 911, demanding an officer be sent down at once. “They won’t make it my way. That’s their motto and I’m not leaving until they make it my way.” The 911 operator tried to console Arvin, informing him that “My Way” hasn’t been a Subway slogan since 1990.
Security footage reveals that Arvin jumped over the Subway sneeze shield, yelling “I’ll make it myself!” Upon officers’ arrival at the scene, officers witnessed Arvin behind the counter, pulling all available loaves of bread from the Subway patented bread ovens, covering them in olives, and singing “My Way,” a song popularized by Frank Sinatra. Officers later mentioned they preferred Sinatra’s version.
When confronted by the officers, Arvin grabbed a patented Subway curved bread knife — it’s unique design allowing bread rolls to be cut in a “u-gouge” style. Sandwich artists no longer cut in this style unless specifically asked to. No official statement by Subway Inc. was offered as to why this is, although witnesses at the scene overwhelmingly agreed they preferred the new straight cut as it allows more topping to fit in the sandwich.
All officers on scene immediately simultaneously tasered Arvin. The tasers had little effect on Arvin. “He was manic,” commented one of the officers. Arvin dropped the knife and picked up a stapler — a highly feared and strictly regulated office supply in the city of Vancouver. “I have no idea what it was doing there,” says Williams, “It wasn’t my stapler. I’m not approved to operate such equipment.” Charges are pending against the restaurant for unauthorized possession of a controlled office supply.
What happened next is difficult to determine, as an incorrectly discharged pepper spray canister incapacitated all in the restaurant. Witnesses claim to have heard gunshots next, but officers insist Arvin fired first. “Audibly, the difference between a stapler and a firearm discharging is virtually indistinguishable to a civilian,” states Vancouver Police Department spokesperson Anne Drennan. Security footage switches to an episode of The Simpsons at this point, “you can’t argue with 21 seasons on the air. It’s a hit,” states Drennan.
At some point Arvin was shot 13 times in the face and later died at the scene. The cause of death is unknown. An autopsy is pending. Officers suspect Arvin may have had a pre-existing heart condition.
No officers were harmed in the incident, although one of the officers with a previously undiagnosed incontinence problem urinated on Arvin. “I couldn’t help it,” the officer claims, “I had to go.”
Incontinence amongst adults is no laughing matter. Over 1 in 20 Canadians suffer from this debilitating medical condition. For more information on how incontinence affects you, please visit the Canadian Continence Foundation, www.continence-fdn.ca, or talk to your family doctor.