When Buildering Isn’t Buildering

Ard Arvin
0 Comments 28

Recently trending in the buildering community is a video of Kim Ja-in, Korea’s top female climber and Olympic representative, climbing a building using holds affixed by suction cups — on top rope.

Kim seems legit enough, her flash ascent of Spicy Noodle (5.14c) upholds its appellation, but this “buildering” video is fucking laughable. Is it? Yes. Are you sure? Yes I am. Fret not if you know not. The internet is full click bait, fake news, and shiny sparkle pop — buildering.net is here to guide.

How to know when buildering is not buildering:

  • If there’s catering, it isn’t buildering.
  • If it’s sponsored by Red Bull, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you’re the heir to the Red Bull empire and you kill a cop in a hit and run, dragging him 200m for good measure, it isn’t buildering. But you’ll never be charged. So ku-fucking-dos to you.
  • If you’re a member of Greenpeace or that “ex-dads get such a bum deal” movement, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you’re bouldering, it isn’t buildering — but 8 out of 10 aint bad.
  • If it was designed to be climbed, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you’re climbing a building but using a Trublue™ auto belay device used by X-games speed climbers and people without friends, it isn’t buildering.
  • If it involves sexy Russian girls on rooftops, there’s a 90% chance it isn’t buildering. But enjoy it.
  • If the term “human spider” is used, not in reference to Alain Robert, it isn’t buildering.
  • If it’s in the Olympics, it isn’t buildering.
  • If Kendall Jenner hands you a Pepsi, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you are climbing a literal unending pile of shit, pursued by unseen existential dread, yet strangely have a boner, it isn’t buildering — wake up.
  • If you wake from said dream naked and duct taped to a wall, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you are rolling, flipping, vaulting, konging, under-barring, sliding, spinning, swooping, it isn’t buildering — but a million teenagers will tell you “it’s so much better.”
  • If it’s for GQ, it isn’t buildering.
  • If it exists within the Marvel or DC universe, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you find it in the Yellow Pages, it isn’t buildering.
  • If you’re commenting, editorializing, conjecturing, or posting on the internet, it isn’t buildering.